How To Write A Startup Hiring Ad To Get The Best

There is something about these young aspiring companies..

Good and bad,

funny and sad,

logical and mad,

alive and dead.

You can fly or fall

or not move at all.

It's never easy,

but take it..easy.

You wanna join the party? Keep reading...

Our company

We are a bunch of nerds with a very ambitious and cogent vision. It's a good one. It's gonna work and succeed (our CEO feels it in his right knee). We all have a very strong track record in tech-corporations that we’ve eventually left because no one was able to understand our comprehensible and discoverable thoughts.

Our AI robot Dyslexa had just won The Most Articulate Invention That Solves Nothing Award 2020. This was by far the most lucid moment of our lives besides the two-week sobriety celebration.

Whom are we looking for

  • Primarily an efficient hard-worker who doesn’t complain and does what he/she is supposed to do. If you want to grow (personally, not flowers) - that's OK.
  • You have the ability to synthesize a company’s value proposition when even waken up at a midnight.
  • You are comfortable with leading a concise discussion within a team especially when it comes to Fortnite achievements.
  • You are willing to worship our company’s vision, supporting it at all costs.
  • You don’t gossip or malign your colleagues behind their backs. Maybe that was ok in a corporation, not here. No way! If you don’t like something, you speak up to the whole team with an idea how to solve it otherwise..corner of shame, warned you.
  • You use an intelligible language and you know it.
  • You are a punctual individual. If you’re late, you are quick to send an apology with an eloquent excuse that doesn’t include diarrhoea, your grandma’s second funeral and a sudden headache which obviously stands for a hangover.
  • You love to work hard and you don't waste time with attempting to reach perfection at the expense of time.
  • You have flexible life values and are able to adapt quickly. If you would had a nick name, it would sound like "Loyalty beyond the grave".

What you will be doing

  • You’ll be doing all it takes to make us - the founders - rich. Don't worry, you won't come short, too.
  • You will use your endless drive to ensure your team always delivers and doesn't spend more than 3 hours a day on social media (for work purposes of course).
  • You will sacrifice your family, personal, and gym time in exchange for a totally cool job and a chance to attend company parties once every few days (non-obligatory...but stronglty recommended, you know what).
  • You will be responsible for hitting such ambitious targets that you’ll get sick every time you see them. This process will make you man up like you never thought you could.
  • You will learn to sleep faster or not at all. Sleeping is for kids anyway, we'll rather have a little hustle. Come on, you can do that!

What you won’t be doing

  • You'll escape an ordinary and boring 9 to 5 rat-race and enjoy our 9 to 9 death-race.
  • You won’t be attending boring “corpo-like” company meetings. We don't have to meet since we have analytical tools and Smack in place (that's our funny internal lingo, Slack of course :) ).
  • You won’t have to worry about making decisions or challenging company targets. But you can train making decision. Actually, for that we are a good place, absolutely.
  • Actually you can even challenge your targets when having cogent arguments and coming up with them at the right time (not before board meetings, not during fundraising, not around product release deadlines, obviously not after company parties).
  • You won’t implement new methodical processes because we love hustling and grinding, Yeaaah >D.
  • You don’t have to appear on TV or be a part of any interviews. Our founders will spare you of this PR crap if you don't mind.

What we offer

  • If you work hard enough our co-founders will be able to buy another Maserati and you will have a chance to take a selfie with it, hashtag #startuplife #proudtobepartofthisstory (that's a joke..obviously. But, you can use our company VW Polo...once in a while...for a business trip of course)
  • We offer a very competitive salary…which will be paid.
  • Work in a young really cool and humble team who doesn’t want to be praised for every fart it releases.. I mean Beta version!! Sorry, Beta version of course, my bad.
  • We provide an inclusive environment that tolerates even older (32+) employees as long as they follow our geekish sense of humour.
  • Opportunity to grow as long as you don’t ask for a salary increase...actually you can try.
  • Lastly enjoy our self-service (rather a help-your-self...and help me, too) kitchenette with coffee capsules, milk and anything left in the fridge.

Do you want to be part of this cool story and become the one who has worked to ensure our success? Don’t hesitate and send us your Instagram. We don’t read CVs anyway. We only research whether you have any drunk pics on your social media or not. Please, spare us of this HR routine..brings plus points for you.

Now read the text, find all ajectives and... I'm sorry, once again please? What? You wanted to apply? Nooo, this was just an english language homework and actually I got a similar one from my comedy-sketch writing teacher so I wanted to kill two birds with one stone. Oh, I did not tell at the beginning? Oops, I'm sorry. But I understand you'd join right away. Me..neither.